Six days and counting until my next Remicade, and I’m living on Tylenol, which is waging a losing battle on my joints. Today has been difficult because I am traveling for work with my laptop, making me ache even more. I seem to have wicked BlackBerry thumb, and my shoulder is revolting from a combination of purse- and baby-wearing.
Last night as we put the baby down, I realized I hurt too much to lower her into the crib, and my husband had to do it. That was really hard. She shrieked and started to cry (she’s used to our nightly routine, and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t the one putting her down.) I like having every minute – no, every second – to be able to hold her before I absolutely have to let her go to sleep, and I didn’t like giving up even that second.
So, this is the Crohn’s sacrifice for me. I know it’s different for everyone. I had coffee with a good friend yesterday who also has Crohn’s, and described to me an awful experience involving a store that wouldn’t let her use their restroom. Everyone has their awful days and their excellent days, yet somehow it’s kind of nice to know I’m not alone in it.
And yet, standing in the hallway outside my daughter’s room last night, I felt lower than low. If I can’t give my baby girl one last hug goodnight, what kind of mom am I?